Saturday, July 1, 2017

Facebook Post from June 1 at 7:32pm about Twenty One Pilots

Twenty Øne Piløts.....
..So amazing it's hard to believe it's a real thing in the real world.
..Everything I ever wanted in a band..
..Everything I ever hoped for in music to listen to..
Everything I thought would never happen, couldn't happen, wouldn't happen.. 
As far as a band --a music, a movement, a message, a statement, an art form, a symbol, a cause, a thing to rally around-- this is the best. It fits me so well, expresses me so well, encourages me so well, inspires me so well, gives me hope so well, points me to God so well...
The guys are honorable and humble, especially for how much fame they have. I admire that a lot. Usually I shy away from learning more about a famous person because usually the more I learn, the more I start to lose respect for them. But with these guys I've only gained respect the more I find out about them. Plus, they don't talk about themselves a ton, so I don't end up focussing too much on them or idolizing them. They deflect personal questions and turn it into a conversation about encouraging others to think for themselves and decide what they believe for themselves. Tyler and Josh are inspirational partly because they point away from themselves a lot of times.
Twenty Øne Piløts songs are so deep and thought provoking in such a constructive way.
Their songs and ideas are about things that really matter to me too, like figuring out what to live for, finding purpose in life, fulfilling your potential, seeking God even when it seems to make no sense, creating hope and purpose through using your talents and gifts and creativity...
I love the theme of introspectiveness and analytical thought. If we never really think, we never really understand, and if we never really understand, we live without focus or purpose​, like robots or zombies.
If I'm gonna live, I want to do it right, and Twenty Øne Piløts helps me in pursuing that goal.
I love all the Twenty Øne Piløts songs where Tyler is talking to God and is being really honest. A lot of the songs seem to have a tone like "hey Lord, you're not coming through for me it doesn't seem like... But I know you are supposed to, and I know you can and will. but I'm having doubts and I'm having a hard time. I believe. Help me in my unbelief. You say it'll be ok. But it really sucks right now. But I want to try to trust you."
I am so thankful for Twenty Øne Piløts. It's a gift from God in my life. Such a special, miraculous gift to an extent that I never dreamed would be possible in real life. I'm so glad Twenty Øne Piløts is a thing.
(And yes, my phone auto corrects the slashes through the O's because it knows I'm a big fan and gotta write the name correctly. 😉😂)
And that description of some of why I like Twenty Øne Piløts was kind of all over the place but I get too excited to think super structurally.  Haha. Yes.

Friday, January 27, 2017


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Tuesday, December 27, 2016

I stopped blogging, obviously, but I want to come back!

yeah, so, I know I'm strange. I think that is something we all need to come to grips with. It really can't be ignored for long because it is a fact that sticks out like a sore thumb sometimes.

What prompted me to acknowledge my strangeness on this particular day is, of course, the fact that I have put myself out there so many times (AKA my blog right now). The reason I stick out like a sore thumb is because I put my thumb out. Selling stationary, singing in front of people, blogging for the whole world to read, youtubeing for the whole world to watch... It started early. I'm out there.  and I feel that, unfortunately, what is out there, is me at my worst or at my weirdest or at my weakest. And therefore I am ashamed of the image I imagine I have made for myself.

Here is the thing, here is where this blog post started: I thought about my blog today and cringed. My most recent posts (not at all recent) scare me away from blogging. I was in a weird stage when I wrote them and it's kind of embarissing even though I dont remember what they say. Why did I stop blogging? It's not that my life got less interesting... It got really interesting... but very dark and disturbed. I didn't know how to write about it and not ruin every nice thought you have ever thought about me. It was a rough time. I felt so deffensive, always trying to justify myself for being in an odd stage or in a weird faze and hard place.  I felt like I wasn't who I should be. And perhaps I wasn't.
I'm feeling more like myself nowadays, finally though. years later, ready to blog again.

I'm just flattered that you read my blog. I mean, who reads blogs anymore? Who rights blogs? I don't know, but I like it. It's just that you've always scared me, too. I want to be heard so I love that you listen, but I want a good reputation, too, so I was always afraid to be vulnerable with you. I WAS vulnerable, a lot. Thats kind of me. But I felt like I had to prove myself somehow. justify whatever I was being vulnerable about.

This long period of time has been without writing. Me: Not blogging because I'm weird. Not blogging because I wasn't having any positive thoughts. Not blogging because I wasn't stable or in a place to be at all helpful. I just want to sort of apologize for that. For becoming that. I'm not convinced its all my fault, but I'm sorry it had to happen. Then, the other thing I am apologizing for is for not wanting to blog or write. I don't feel that way as much anymore. But I wanted to acknowledge all of this and take responsibility and ownership. God made me special. I'm me and the only one of me that there is, so I'm unique. A lot of the weird quirks I have kind of stem from some part of the way I am. And you know what, Thats ok. You do you. (But of course, with God as king. You following your heart is not always so good, but you get the picture: You do you, within reason.)

Im thankful to accept who I am and who I have been and bring it before God. I no longer have to be ashamed, for I am a new creation, that is not me anymore, God is renewing me and sanctifying me to Himself. I want to take this moment to be proud of the way God made me. And, part of how He made me is that I want to share my thoughts and I want to be vulnerable. I know the internet is not always a great idea for pouring your heart onto, but I want to start writing again. if nothing else, I would brush up on my writing skills. I should tell you about my current school situation. Lets do a life update next.
But as for right now, I thank God for me. For Him. For our relationship and all the abundance of purpose I have therefore.

Thank you for coming back to read and listen to my thoughts. Thank you for caring about me.

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Emo Phase Talk 2.0

This post is about my experience with an emo phase and my cautions about emo phases to parents of teens and pre teens.

Lets face it, my emo phase never really ended. Now the look is more "scene," but since scene came out of emo, I'm basically still in my emo phase.

I think a lot of junior highers go through an emo phase, whatever that might look like. Maybe it's because it feels original, it feels different, it feels rebellious, it feel individualized. Junior high is the time for such things. Or at least it ends up being. This can be harmless as fashion can be a healthy outlet for trying new things, finding one's self, kind of "rebelling" in a controllable harmless way... But it can be a dangerous rout. I think parents should start to pay close attention if their kid is going through an emo phase as it could be more than just a fashion statement.

I think my reasons for getting into "emo" stuff varied. One reason was that my big brother started listening to hardcore music and liked his long swishy hair and anime shows. I kind of tagged along in these ventures because I looked up to my big bro. Also, junior high was really hard for me in a lot of ways, so I wanted to express my feelings and struggles in a way that I could get it out but not necessarily tell anyone about it, because I didn't know how to do that yet. The occasional dark clothes and some eyeliner helped me say "life is hard, but it's ok." It helped me say "I'm unique, and my unique problems and feelings matter." It helped me to feel a little tougher when I knew I was so vulnerable. It made my other differences less different because my look was so weird (I thought. My look really wasn't that weird). It gave me a sence of security (accept for the fact that I was always worried my look would scare or offend someone).

Though these were more or less good reasons for being a little "emo" or whatever, I didn't consciously know of them at the time. My big brother is not as easily influenced as me either, so his little emo phase was pretty harmless. I however didn't know what my intentions or boundaries were. I caught on to the fact that people in this music scene and subculture really tend to romanticized depression, self loathing, suffering, death, etc.... That rubbed off on me and I started cutting myself to cope with the hard things going on around me that I didn't have any idea how to deal with at the time. I thought cutting was romantic and "deep" and "profound." I glorified tragedy. (* I don't cut anymore)

There are dark things associated with "emo."  I do NOT like that aspect of it anymore, but I admit that in my weakness I once did. Evil and sin looks enticing to everyone in a certain form at certain times, and Satan knows how to target different people differently. Where you might fall into lust or arrogance or apathy, I was lured to dabble in the blatantly evil and demonic. It's all in you're heart, though, when it comes down to it. I listened to certain music because I knew it was bad but because it interested me and scared me and I thought I was being "deep" or "profound" or "intense" or something. In all reality some of that music was demonic, or at least opened the door in my life for demonic activity and oppression. This is why I think parents should keep a close eye on their "emo phase" teens and pre-teens. It could be just self expression of a hard stage in life, but it could also turn dangerous if their heart is in the wrong place.

I would not like to call myself, or label myself, "emo" or "scene," because I'm really not. I'm me! But my style is derived from emo and scene, and hipster and hip hop and American and African and conservative and alternative, and the list goes on and on... There are many influences in everyones's life and for me they have all shaped part of who I am and even how I dress and do my hair and makeup.

So if "emo" was bad for me why do I not cut myself off from it entirely? Well, it didn't start out bad or demonic. I've liked black since I was super young. (But also pink) I've always liked a good mix of tough and girly. I've always tried to be cool like my brothers so I like the kind of boyish aspect of emo fashion, but I embrace my inner girl a lot too (my room is PINK, and I like hair bows, and long eye lashes, etc...). I always liked "skater boys" like, for as long as I can remember, and emo has skate culture influences. Also, now, like before, dark clothes, choppy hair, eyeliner, whatever it may be, it helps me express my struggle and my past. But black is also a comforting color for me in some ways because it reminds me of my comfy bed at night time, and my bed is a safe place for me. With my style I also still try to look a little tough, confident or different, because I will always be a vulnerable and raw personality. I don't want people to see me for that and take advantage of it. A similar thing was said by Josh Dunn of Twenty One Pilots about his alternative look.


                                                            starting at 13:50 on till 15:00

I don't think my style is a bad thing for me. It may be strange and you may not like it that much, but it is a good, healthy, creative outlet for me now, and I want to honor that because I like it when I be healthy. I'm starting to do that a lot more nowadays ;)

Thursday, August 6, 2015

Well argh, Let's talk

I always put a positive spin on life when I write on my blog, so maybe it's good for me to look at life from here. So lets look at life, shall we?

I don't really know what's wrong today. Just something(s)...
Am I sad? Scared? Mad? I'm not sure, but I think all of the above. All I can think to do at the moment is list pissible reasons for these emotions:
Major Depressive Disorder (obviously), Uncertainty about school, being bored, finding myself, people's opinions, the garage sale coming up, ...and yeah, school!

Firstly, yeah...
I'm just gonna be real straight here and say that if you don't already know, I have depression and have struggled with self harm and suicidal ideation for a long time. So a chemical imbalance in my brain as well as past experiences and whatnot is part of the reason I'm not always happy. Thankfully, though, this summer I've been super happy! Happier than I can remember being in a long time, and for the most part, cut free!!
It's been a great summer absant of much sadness, but as school approaches I start to notice my depression aproaching as well. This same thing happened last year: I had a blast all summer and once August/September rolled around I began to feel hopeless and depressed again. Part of it is stress and the fear of the unknown in a new school year but at a certain point part of it is seasonal as well. Which stinks. So I'm scared this will happen again. Last year October I ended up in the hospital for a suicide attempt... Let's make that not happen again. I'm gonna hopefully buy a light therapy lamp so I can get my "sunshine" in the winter. And of course I'll be doing coping skills and stuff. It might sound easy but it is hard work staying emotionally healthy! You can pray that I'll stick with it and keep fighting especially while I'm busy with school.

School is starting sooner than I'd like, but then again, I'm bored.  I'm still unsure what school I'll be attending. I was planning on going to Evangelical Christian Academy and doing an Area Vocational Cosmetology Program,vbut that wasn't going to work out, so I thought Rampart High School, which is a big public school, and I wasn't accepted there. Now we're looking at online schools that would allow me to do the three hour-a-day cosmetology program as well as take online classes. I'm not extreamely disaplined so we'll see how that goes if it works out.

If nothing works out, my plan is to get a job and a GED and then start cosmetology school as a college student next year. I'm kind of kidding... My parents aren't going for that idea. haha
Either way, I'm nervouse to step out of my christian bubble and do something new, especially while I'm afraid that I'll get dabilitatingly depressed again.
Anyway, as I grow up and enter the world, I search for myself in Christ. (Which reminds me, I want to read my Bible later.) I think part of finding oneself includes trying different things, so here I go, going crazy. I cut my hair into a bob today, and I'm wearing a fake lip peircing which my parents probably disaprove of. Those are tow examples of me trying to express myself but being ashamed of it.

This leads us to what people think. I wanted to cut my hair short but the men in my life (Jim, Will and Steve) wanted it longer than it already was. I know guys like long hair, but I wanted to honor my likes and interests and go for the short hair. I'm kind of insecure now though. And the (fake) lip peircing ... That's controvercial. But I like it... Except for the fact that everyone else doesnt. I think I'm really nice but I don't want people to take advantage of it so I try to look a little tough. Thatsl's partly why I like it.
And the final reason I'm not ok today is the garage sale. Yes. Why I thought this was a bright idea I'm not sure anymore because I dont know if it will go very well, but I'm excited despite my fear. I'm running it with my best friend as a fund raiser for concert tickets to a concert with our favirite band Twenty One Pilots in the next couple years.
And you know what? Now I feel better. I don't feel sad anymore. I just needed to get that oyt and talk about life with you. So thanks for talking, I apreciate it. 

Friday, July 31, 2015

Living in death

I really used to feel I was getting somewhere.
And I was.
The current pulled me and I paddled with it,
Away from shore
Away from my God and away from rest.
I rested.
in pain,
And sickness

I used to tear at my soul,
hopeing the rips would make me heal or make me whole.
I opened casms I could not fill
And broke my heart and couldnt feel.

Oh that death would bring me life
But it won't if either is just mine
But Jesus' death and Jesus' strife
Will bring me healing if I cling to Him

It hurts to paddle againt the current,
But less than it hurts to live in death.
He will bring me to the shore
Against the current to something more.

Friday, July 24, 2015

Lock boxed

deeper than thought,
deep in the locked box:  subconcious.
heavy thoughts, and I plot,
How can I remedy?
i'm not within earshot
Though my mind is the singer
the song cant be heard
By the ears on my head

And I've not caught the rat that stole the shots from the camera of the truth or that holds the secrets of youth
When I was young something was magical
And when it was done
I became dumb
Stupid to what matters
Deaf to the truth

A locked box locked up my youth
and the secrets to life that then I knew
A gallary of snapshots entranced my eyes
Now I'm it's slave or at least under the guise
Running is hard
But I ought to run
Away from the slums of my mind
And on toward truth
Not till I'm tired, But till I'm done

And you should run too
From whatever plauges you
Is it pictures?
The wrong words?
The combination of the two?
Is it a screen that displays them?
Is this concept new
Are you free, unlike me?
Or are we all doomed?

I'd venture to say we have a shot at this,
We can win, we won't loose
But It takes running,
It takes sweat,
It takes death
Of your mind,
then it born again
The question is "will we?"
Will you?

Sunday, July 19, 2015

Plans: "If The Lord Wills"

1 Corinthians 7:17 (The Message) "And don’t be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God’s place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life."

As I near age 18, I think about furthering my education, getting a job, and getting married. :3 These things might seem in some ways far in the future, but the more I think about it, the more I realize they could be just around the corner. I long for these things, but in some ways I long for right now. I think that is a decent balance, don't you? Besides, Proverbs 19:21 NIV says "Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails." So I can long all I want but that doesnt mean anything particular will happen except wasting time with my head in the future. In fact today at church we even heard about making plans, and how making plans apart from God is pridefull. James 4:15 NIV
"Instead, you ought to say, 'If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that.'" I'm selfishly hoping the Lord's will is that I get married in the next 5 years. Some people look down on getting married young, and of course, if that's not God's will, I don't really want it. But yeah. Hey, I'm just writing my thoughts. Calm down.

It looks promising that I'll begin "trade school," as I heard someone call it, learning cosmetology this coming year. I don't know, but this school may be as close to a college as I'll ever get. Maybe I'll become interested in college later on, but the way I see it, as long as I'm furthering my education, weather it be in accademic college or hair dressing school, I'm still choosing to take a direction and do something with my life. I'm really excited about this as I will graduate from the International Salon and Spa School at 19 with a hair dressing lisence. I call that a bit of a head start. I will be able to get a decent job knowing a particular trade at 19! See, doesn't this story look like one where the girl gets married pretty soon here? Just kidding... EXPECTATIONS KILL HAPPINESS AND WISHES STEEL YOUR PRESENT TIME. That's an original Elizabeth quote.

As I trust God for my future and lean on Him for my now, I pray that He would help me remember that His purpose is what will prevail. I pray I'd remember that tomorrow has enough trouble of it's own, that today is all I've got today. That God defines my life, not my  educational status or my marital status or my vocational status.  I am where I'm suposed to be right now and I dont want to waste this present time. I can live, obey, love and beleive right where I am and that's good enough for me, even in the struggle that it can be. God is worth more to me than anything. I will wait on Him.

1 Corinthians 7:17 (The Message) "And don’t be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God’s place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life."

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Refined Perspectives at the Library

     Today I'm at the library – a good, quiet, free-of-charge kind of place: This is how I relax. I have to get away from the house, but into my head, in order to make any sort of mental process or recharge; It doesn't work otherwise. If I'm at home I won't deal with real life, my emotions, my thoughts, my reality. Instead I'd rather not deal with it, so I turn to the numbing effect of candy. Likewise, if I'm away from home with friends, I'll probably just get lost in the fun - which in some cases is good - but still I will not get into the thought and reflection I need to engage in from time to time. So the library is a great compromise: It's not the house and it's not school, I can be alone enough to think but still with people, and I can be refocused, revitalized, while occupied on some sort of task. Today, my task is blogging.

     Literally just thinking about life is a healthy thing that is hard to fit into my busy schedule, but I'm glad I decided to do it here, today, because this place is interesting. Looking out of the large windows, I see a landscaped, curtained by mountains and fluffy clouds. It just about takes my breath away. I know I live in Colorado Springs, but I don't see a view like this every time I look outside. Nor do I see this kind of versatile community. There are all kinds of people that come to the library and all kinds of new things to discover, no matter who you are, or what you are or aren’t reading. I’m not reading anything. I’m not even looking for discovery. But simply being here has given my eyes new lenses to look through and a new perspective on my city.

     There must have been some sort of club that was meeting in the teen section. It was loud in there so I left as quickly as I went in, but before long I watched – from my computer table, that looks down onto the park – as a large group of teens walked from this side of the building on down the wide sidewalk. One kid had a huge head of hair bouncing around like you've never seen except in movies, and two others in flat caps had toy swards which, to my surprise, it looked like they knew how to use. One of the girls wore short denim shorts – not a surprise in today's society – but walked next to another who made a statement out of her pink ankle-lengthed skirt. That surprised me; I haven’t seen a girl wear a long skirt like that in months. The swordsmen jabbed their wooden blades back and forth at each other, galloping from here to there and back again. Some other kids lazily talked, while another group walked a little faster and reached a small tree. They hadn’t been in view of my window very long before they left – I guess it was too windy outside – but it was enough to refresh my perspective in a way.

       I guess I have forgotten that there are people out there that are different from the standard ECA student I see in my peers at school every day. I have overlooked that there is a lifestyle other than my own and an outlook separate from mine. This is, quite simply, what I’ve learned today. It’s not much. Yet, even by this small experience, I am reminded how diversely God has made His creation. I see there is more than my broken-record, daily routine. I am refreshed by these things; It gives me a breath of fresh air to see a new site and step to a bit of a new beat this Saturday. I’m out of the house. I’m blogging. I’m thinking, and it’s been quite a pleasant, relaxing, free-of-charge kind of time. I hope you have enjoyed this February afternoon and little rant from yours truly, Elizabeth Trumble. 

     This isn't the post I intended would be the only one up by now, but hopefully I will be able to work on more in the next few weeks. 

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Keepin' On

I will begin by saying that I don't appreciate how the blog looks right now. egh! Among other things, it reminds me of a past self that I'd currently like to forget for a while.

In other news, I am up late, as I often am, unable to sleep and "unable" to write a school paper. Thought-requiring, school work has recently been the crumbling of me. I guess I'm afraid. I'm discouraged and "paralyzed" to start (- kind of the basis of life from my perspective right now, which is generally described in my last post). I have little pity for myself here, hence my sarcasm in the quotations. I should, they might say- "they," whoever they are -just perk up and be positive about life, suck it up and just do the school work and the hard things that need doing. "They" say these things, and, though I long to have my burdens validated and conquered, instead I simply say these things to myself as well, over and over again.
"Don't be stupid." "Suck it up." "Be positive = Be better"
Needless to say, it appears that this doesn't entirely help things, because I am still here on a Saturday night with unfinished home work, abandoned dreams and the weight of this holding me down enough to keep me from doing much more about it.

I read a book recently, though, which helped take my mind off of... everything, for a blissful brief while: Rumble Fish, by S. E. Hinton. It's 135 small pages make it an easy read, and more of a short story than a novel, but I loved it as I would any. The character development and ending, which both seemed to leave many stones unturned, left me with the mystery and sense of belonging I felt I needed this week. Books have often been excellent escapes to fantasy for me when I don't seem to belong anywhere in reality. Unfortunately it must be the right book at the right time- which is basically out of my control -so this happens, rarely, when it will, but is always welcomed. Also, though I love it when the right book does land in my lap on occasion, it's unfortunate that it is over as quickly as it has begun. In this case, I read the book and was finished within two days. These were days of relief from the vicious cycle I seem to face otherwise, though even the encouragement of a book didn't get my home work done any easier than usual.

And well, there you have it. I suggest to you reading as a pastime or even as an escape. However, no one can escape forever. Eventually walls, masks and escapes must come down and problems must be faced. I stand here now with my fantasies ripped from me, terrified, but okay. It was good to have a break, but real life has kind of returned. As I said, terrifying. I haven't exploded yet, though. I hold up, because I have hope somehow in Jesus Christ. The comfort of this is irreplaceable and i'm thankful for that.

Steadfast Love/Everlasting Hope

Saturday, February 8, 2014

I Try

Perhaps there is too much to say.
Perhaps I couldn't say it, if I wanted to, anyway.
So I say something:

I'd like a diagnosis.
I'd like to know if it's possible that it could get better, that I could get better, that life could be better.
 If yes, I'd like help. Or maybe to have it done for me...
 If no, I'd like a gunshot to the face.

 I guess that about sums it up. What's wrong with me? Can I be fixed? Fix me, or cut the crap and let me go home.

I say this with... urgency. Yes, I know. It couldn't possibly be that bad, in fact it probably isn't, but that doesn't take away from the fact that I often feel as if I am coming to my last straw. It doesn't take away from the anxiety of this emptiness, in fact it adds to it because it abandons me to remain a "healthy one" who can make it alone just like everyone else. If I were farther gone, if there was something wrong with me, I could need someone.
But I won't deny myself my dignity so much as to push myself to that position. And so I remain.

I stay put and try to live on as best I can manage, but I don't even really know what to think anymore.
I just dink around and kind of do this or that... get by.
Somehow the world keeps on turning, I'm still alive- I think -and God is still love (good thing).
But it still SUCKS.

 You must read this as if I say it with optimistic laughter, of course, because I try, I really do. Besides in the absence of this it would just be depressing- a pathetic tragedy story to say I've given up. But it's not, and I haven't. That's why I word it as I have, and why I insist I laugh about it as I do. If I don't do something I will loose hope, and knowing I have an eternal hope, I mustn't let that happen. Because it can, and it very well could, if only I'd let it. So I don't let it. . .

I say what I must, I attempt to shut up, and
 I try.

Monday, January 13, 2014

Thinking So Hard

under the stars
"I want you forver."
I imagine im yours.
the two of us together.
i cling to the teddy bear
each of these nights
wishin it was you there,
somewhere in sight.
but we're nowhere
save the friendzone
"nothing but friends"
right, Im sure.
my life is pretend.
I always heard,
there is no return
go there,
and your stuck there
like a caged little bird.
there is no erasing.
the lesson was learned.
but here we are
have we gone too far?
there is no turnign back
we are here
with the mask,
claiming 'reset'
may I sudgest
this is all a mess
I can't get you
to get out of my head
I wish you were with me
so at least it'd be said
that you're no more than a man
remind me who my savior is.
you are not he.
youre only a teenager
who stole my heart
and burried the key

The Start of a New Chapter

I went back and read a few of my old posts on this blog, and guess what I found? Answers, to tie up loose ends. This new year has started out with potential. It's been very different. I've been reflecting on my past year and on my life, and tonight things have come together to make sense in one big story that I like to call, "The Story of My Life, Ages 0 to 16." There have been good times and bad times- all boiling down to reveal the epic journey of my spiritual life, for this, I believe, is the most real and important aspect of life. With this, in recounting my past near 16 years I have noticed things that I hadn't noticed before. However, not only are these "things" simply individual things, but they all seem to fit together. Tonight I see my life, so far, not as a story in progress, but as a completed story, or chapter, with an end, leaving now the start to the next.

As I read these old posts I was reminded of the girl I was two years ago. At this I... I was many things: Amazed. Alarmed. Disgusted. Thankful. It's crazy to see how much has happened in just two years, and how amazingly far I have come since then!  I am proud to say that I am not the same girl anymore. I'm not that girl who forced danger upon herself in order to cope or to prove something. I'm not that girl who thought she was into emo. I'm not the girl who hated herself without realizing it.

    I had almost forgotten that that was ever me! It's kind of a weird realization, because I would never have       drempt of becoming such a person; I never would have thought I could be, and now, I would never think     of returning there. I'm finding life now, real LIFE, in Christ; I'm learning how to be happy; I'm casting my       cares on Him; I'm starting over; I feel renewed; I AM new!  Finally, I feel as if life is beginning, and as if         I have a place in this world.

Questions were answered (the hard way). Lessons were learned. God and I, we got a little closer. Good stuff in the end, but still, I'm almost startled... I'm trying to soak in the reality of everything that has happened.

I went through a lot internally- emotionally, spiritually and mentally. I don't know what else to say except that... wow. I'm happy.... I'm amazed at my story. My life story is crazy; it's like nothing I've ever heard! I'm amazed at what all I learned about God, the world and myself in such a short time. I'm amazed at how God has brought me out of every hole I've dug for myself, and at how He has set me upright finally, offering me a firm foundation, after I left Him countless times to find my own, trying everything.  Every time, in the end it is all the same. Nothing but God works. Every single thing left me empty and dying. I'm amazed that every single time God was there protecting me from something worse, and every single time He was there in the end, loving me and reaching His hand down to help me up.

I've been telling myself recently that it has "taken me an entire year to get over my struggles and finally start a new life in Christ by letting Him help me." Now, after reading posts from years and years ago, reflecting and remembering my entire life thus far,  I feel like it's taken me, not just a year, but nearly 16, to get to this point. My struggles didn't start two years ago. Yeah, some of them did, but people are born in sin, you have issues from day one. And remembering my life now, I see that all my struggles have built up to one end, and recently this "struggle story" has climaxed: Rock bottom, things getting worse and worse, and rock bottom again. Everything begins to make sense and  loose ends are tied, and with this the story resumes in the resolution of the falling action.

I feel like this, the first major "story," "chapter" perhaps, in my life has come to it's end, therefor launching its sequel. Here I am for the first time in my life feeling like I've figured it out!  Such a simple truth that I have replayed in my mind like a broken record for as long as I can remember, and finally it makes sense: God is enough, God is the answer, He is the only way, He is the life. I've always understood this, but now the understanding is so deep that all it is is beautiful, blind faith! No more of this "me, me, me" crap. I realize now that all my life, without really knowing I was doing it, I've been trying to earn God halfway. My faith has been half-hearted, mixed with the underlying idea that I could be my own god. Today I would venture to say that I have a different kind of faith. If nothing else, I am well on my way to getting it.

This past year, for Christmas, I asked God for faith. I felt distant from Him (my own fault really), and I didn't even completely understand what I was asking for. I just said, "God, all I want for Christmas is you. If you want to, give me faith; Real, childlike faith." This may have been the only real prayer I said for quite a while, but I said it often. I went out on a limb and asked Him for something I wasn't sure He'd give, much like the  year before this, Christmas 2012. I did the same sort of thing: I asked God, if He was real, (because evidently I had forgotten),  to help me hate my sin, that I, in all honesty, loved. I actually didn't entirely want Him to answer that prayer, but He did throughout the course of 2013. (Among other things of course, I thought this was really cool. God answered.) Having this experience under my belt, I thought asking for faith this year was well worth the shot. And it was.

As New Years rolled around, I decided to try and reflect on my past year, myself and my life, as I usually do on New Years. This process was kind of delayed and has occurred these last couple weeks instead, but what I did notice then, and even more so now, is that God did indeed answer my Christmas prayer. Again. He is granting me this faith.

 I don't know everything, and I haven't figured out too much, but, in a way I have, because I know that I no longer need to know everything. I can choose to be happy, have faith in God, work towards making Him the center of my life, and let Him direct my path. This is easier said than done, but it's ok. It's the best thing I've ever come across! I have genuinely been a Christian for as long as I can remember, but I've held back from surrendering parts of my life to God, so it's not like my life has been peachy keen since I was four. I feel like I am being very real in saying that "I once was lost, but now am found." This is such a beautiful statement, and it is all that I need to know.  Things are new! My perspectives and motives are different, and, thank God, I am on my way to being different! This new year is a new beginning for me, as I turn 16 and try to figure out my life here in Colorado. Life is an adventure. I'm just happy that I no longer see it as a death trap.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

To Meet You Again...

Written December 24, 2013

Dear You,
     This is my love letter to you, whom I do not know.
I claimed to love you once - was it three - years ago?
(What a 12 year old knew of love is a question, though.)

     You were there, and there was I,
and as I watched with my eyes,
I saw a boy. a man? no, a teen! ... Oh my.
My life had begun! - Though there were 12 years behind me.
This teen, yes a TEEN, had entered so kindly.
How young I was, but how old I felt.
And hardly did I know this kid, who made my heart melt.

    On Jesus was his attention.
On caramel brown eyes was mine.
Then perhaps we switched places,
and I ditched him and my lies.
Followed thereafter, ups and downs, lows and highs.
(The story's been told- yes of course -many times.)

    Then you, a friend- almost stranger -left without "goodbye."
But somehow I knew it wasn't needed that time,
for soon we'd say "hello," 'cause of some magical chime!

    Somehow we were friends from such distances away,
and somehow friends I think we will stay.
I knew a near stranger and a far away friend,
but never have I met this person at hand.
What I know, I do like, but there's still much to learn.
And that girl you met? - isn't now even her!

    I'd love to meet you, stranger, dear sir.
Then one day I'll know this who made my heart stir.

    What is love? I don't know.
But I'm 15 now, and we're "lovers," I suppose?

    What i know is I'll meet you,
and I'm glad to say hi.

        So, to whom I do not know,
                    Hello (not goodbye)

To Get Over You?

I think about you a lot.
 I think too far into the future.
I can't get past what I feel like will come true... and in this I grow up soooo fast. I move out, I get married, there's no me; it's just us.
Is that a sin? idk... Is it bad? probably..?
but it's hard to forget you.
To JUST be me.

Monday, April 1, 2013

Spontaneous Haircut Arouses Cuteness and Questions...

I cut  my hair today.  I was going for a scene look. (* surrounding pictures*) - A difficult look. A look for strait hair.  I knew it wouldn't come out looking like the pictures I had, no matter how much I wished, but I knew it would look good in a different way. I sincerely hoped, that is.
I have always had kind of a bitterness towards people with this haircut, I think because of jealousy. For whatever reason, I feel they are better than me, and that I would never quite be worth as much as I would if I looked like them.  Mercy, my friend here, told me out of random that I am much prettier than all the girls in the example pictures for my haircut.  I was kind of taken aback. I don't know whether to believer her. 

It was kind of a spur of the moment thing. Last week I spent an entire day on the internet trying to learn how to get the scene look.  I was ready to cut my hair, but upon following  discouragement,  I gave up. Today I woke up and just decided to do it. I texted my friend Mercy, and she said she'd be happy to help. It was mostly Bethany, however who did it all. Janelle, Bethany, Mercy and I all worked on my hair for a god three hours this afternoon.  It looked good straight, and I suppose it looked "scene" at that point too. I wet it, though, when I got home and let the curls take over. It then became something else entirely! It's cute. It's easy. It's light. But I don't know how I feel about it.

my hair before (though I never wore it down.)

End result. 

I'm used to having a bun. My hair was always too long and too thick to do anything with, so i just threw it up all the time. At least then I could pretend like I looked like something  or that I had the potential to look however I wanted. Now, with this haircut, I DO look like something  It is it's own style. Kind of a 'vintage-lover,' 'I like to cook and do crafts' kind of style. Cute, but... is that me?  It's hard to look it in the mirror after hearing my familiar voice and expecting the me I am used to.

I want a style that reflects me. why? I don't know.  It sounds selfish and conceited in a way. It sounds almost insensitive that I care about such things when some people struggle to find a shirt to wear on their back that isn't torn. I don't know where the balance is. I should be thankful for the blessing and capability I have, though I can't dwell on it. But... How do I be selfless in it? How do I help others? Do I completely  abandon myself? I feel, on one hand, that I should never wear makeup again, never fret about my hair, never try to develop a style for myself, never wear jewelry... I think that is extreme though.
It's my natural tendency to punish myself when I haven't done something quite right, or to deprive myself of something.  Sometimes I feel like I am a parent figure to myself, as if I am two people. This never quite works out however, which leaves me beating myself up - starting the cycle again.


This is what I did look like.

This is what I want to look like. (This is close to how I view myself as a personality in my mind.)
.                                                                             And this is what I do look like.        

                                                                             Don't know what to do. 
Or think.   

I feel that this also raises the question(if you can follow this.):  "Since I was obviously not made to be scene, (because I have curly hair), does it mean God doesn't want me to be what I want to be, or think of myself as looking like I think I do in my mind...?"  Am I meant to be some other kind of person...? - all cute and vintage sewing stuff and cooking...  Is it "not me" (the "me" God intended, amusing He intended something specific) to like hard core music, or emo, or scene, or dramatic makeup, or facial piercings or... or... who knows what else that I guess I "made" myself "be"?
I don't know who I am or who I should be.
I'm not sure I want to know.

Friday, March 29, 2013

Good, it's Friday.

Today is Good Friday! 
I woke up wearing all black, and realizing it was Good Friday, I wasn't sure whether it would be more appropriate to wear black (since Jesus dies on the cross), or to wear colorful Easter colors.   I went with colorful, because black means emo to me, not mourning. When I look in the mirror and see all this color I'll say, "Why am I wearing this? Because Jesus died for my sins!"

Plus, I figured I should show off my temporary tattoo (which is from a cereal box)  for one more day.  I definitely don't want to get a real tattoo, unless of course I am married and we get our rings tattooed so that they never come off or something like that.

I had to slap it on my own back. Jim wouldn't help me because he was jealous. And I had to take my own picture because it grosses Will and Steve out.

 I tried to take some Good Friday/Easter pictures, and cats are great accessories for such things, but my cat Fishy is not very photogenic. It was meowing at me the entire time. 

Again, my brothers wouldn't help me, so Fishy and I were on our own. 

Fishy is there in the left corner walking away. 

  Here are my 'Easter necklaces.' Oh yes.  My locket says "Jesus Loves" inside (but it looks really gehto)  
Nevertheless, it seemed appropriate.  

Have a blessed day.  Remember our Lord. 
We're watching The Passion of the Christ tonight so I'll probably cry.   
Who knows what tomorrow will hold...  4Square maybe?

 (P.S. I am now on Twitter!)

MCR Post - Postponed

I am going to have to postpone my post about saying goodbye to My Chemical Romance.  There is so much to say, and frankly, after I lost my initial train of thought a couple days ago, I have yet to put myself again in the 'reflection' mood.  I regret the late coming of the post since it has already been a week since the band's break up, and I intended to post it a mere two or three days following, not 7...  But perhaps it will be better to put it up once all of the frenzy has mostly blown over.

It is Good Friday, with Easter following, so I'd like to set my mind on Christ, not My Chem, so the post may even be delayed until Monday or Tuesday next week.

Nevertheless, to hold you over I have some links and quotes:
(not that you care) 

-The short paragraph announcing the break up on the My Chemical Romance OFFICIAL BLOG
-Gerard's entire letter to fans further explaining the break up (on Kerrang!'s website)
-Summary of letter by Gerard (on MTV's website.)
-Rock reacts to the breakup  (an article about tweets from other rock stars reactions) 
-PETITION  by fans asking MCR to do one last tour. 
-A visit to the past. 2004, My Chem's first interview with MTV.
-MCR's 10 greatest video moments  on Kerrang!  (I haven't seen/read this one.)
-Bigger Than The Sound remembers their career  on MTV's website. 
-Plans for an MCR Tribute Issue  by Kerrang! Magazine.
-Want to send Gerard Way some mail? his PO Box posted on Twitter with 2 rules
-(Issue of Kerrang! Magazine that I want.

"My Chemical Romance had, built within its core, a fail-safe. A doomsday device, should certain events occur or cease occurring, would detonate. I shared knowledge of this "flaw" within weeks of its inception. 
Personally, I embraced it because, again, it made us perfect. A perfect machine, beautiful, yet self aware of it's system. Under directive to terminate before it becomes compromised. To protect the idea- at all costs. "
— Gerard Way (Letter to fans: 2013)

“I think there’s an expiration date for this band, but it’s up to us and nobody else. Nobody here is going to be known as ‘that guy from MCR.’ It’ll be more like, ‘Frank, the guy who has a record label,’ ‘Mikey Way, who directs shark films,’ ‘Ray, the classical-guitar virtuoso,’ ‘Bob, the producer’ and ‘Gerard, that guy who…’ I don’t know, ‘writes children’s books.’ That’s the beauty of My Chemical Romance: It’s our call.
I don’t know how many records we’re going to make, providing we survive the next one. One thing we have always said from day one is that this is something special and beautiful, and it’s nobody’s but ours. This band is a special thing, and all special things are supposed to die. And when it’s time for it to die, we will put a bullet in it.”
— Gerard Way (AP Magazine: 2006)

 "I look in the mirror and feel extremely proud to still be, to this day, one of the most uncool people I know." 
— Gerard Way

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

What is My Chem?


My Chemical Romance was a very popular, (yet indeed non-christian) "emo-but-don't-call-us-emo," alt rock band.  It began in New Jersey (2001-2013), fronted by Gerard Way, who is also a comic book artist.  All four initial members are now married and in their thirties.

As came with speechless shock, to me and other fans worldwide, wind of My Chemical Romance's sudden brake up was posted on Friday, (22 March 2013) to the official website.  I am in the process now of writing a blog post (beware, it will be long) re-capping my journey with them as a fan this past year, and commemorating the impact they have had on my life.  I feel the cause is worthy of my attention, reflection and acceptance, seeing as how God has used the band in my life, positively and negatively  and brought them to me as a tool in the shaping of my own future and character.

I thank God for His provision and perfect planning.  Yet again He has pulled through for me in ways I could never surmise.  I thank God for My Chemical Romance, specifically Gerard Way, for what I have become, and more importantly, what I will be.

*More To Come*

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Back to Iowa

As you may know, my mom and I took a trip back to Iowa for her brother’s funeral.  She had asked me to go along with her, and at first I wasn't sure if I should because of all the school I would miss, but I felt that God was telling me I should go and that He would make something good out of it. 

It was really good to be in America. It felt like home, even in D.C. just because it was America. After being stuck in this cage for three years, my ideas about America, American’s and life was a little bit jostled and twisted just because I didn't have any reference points.  Going back cleared that up, and God helped me to change my mind set a little bit. 

Seeing family was definitely fun.  I have an amazing family.  While I was there I can assure you that I didn't miss all the sarcasm here.  And it was good for once to be surrounded by people who didn't pressure me to center my life on music or popular things.  My family is very Christian. Christian radio is always on. They, even the teenage guys in the family, are nice to people. They want to be nice. They are fun! 

I did get to see snow! It was super cold the whole time I was there, which was really fun.  I got to wear jeans and long sleeved shirts everyday! You can NOT do that in Malawi. My fingers got so cold that it was hard to move them, and my lips were so cold that forming words didn’t always work the best! We did try to go sledding, my cousins and I. The snow had started to melt, so it was all slush, but we made it work a little bit. 

IT was a sad occasion to going back – the funeral, but it really was happy. I was so glad that Uncle Dan could be in a better place and better life.  Not to mention that his funeral was a beautiful one. It was such a blessed funeral. It honestly was a celebration of his life and passing on to a better life. I did cry a little, but I enjoyed it a lot. 

So, was my time there a break?
It was and it wasn’t.  I’m glad I had a while to live differently than I have been living.  A mix up of my schedule and a little bit of fun and getting away, I think was needed. I still had things to worry about and work on while I was there though so it wasn’t a break from everything. 

I’m really thankful that I got to go to Iowa, and I am a little bit more excited about moving back now.  God is so good. He kept us safe, He helped me change, He taught me things and He gave us a good time. It’s so wonderful the measure of love God has for us every day!