Monday, May 21, 2012

When I'm 15 / Myself

When I'm 15 and we live in America again, I guess I will get a job... weird... I hadn't thought of it before, but I was talking to my friend Amber over email and was saying somthing about buying comic books or CDs or somthing. She was like, "Well when your 15 you can get a job and buy all that stuff." So, a job. Wierd...

The whole idea of buying things for myself is not really somting that I siriusly think about when I live here in Malawi.  Sure I dream and think about things that would be cool to have, but it's a dream. Just a dream. It's almost unheard of for me. In America you can go out and buy things or even order things, but here you can only get juncky stuff. -At least that is kind of the mind set I've put myself in.   Liveing here, I more often think about what I'm going to buy for my brothers or frineds when I think about money and buying. When I think about things for myself I don't even think of money. I just imagin a world where I have a smilyface t-shirt or where I have working earphones or this or that. Sometimes I do think about myself and buying things for myself, but it makes me sick! I feel terrible when I think about myself that way. -in a way that says 'I'm not happy like this, I need cooler cloths or whatever!' I HATE the feeling! I feel so selfish, and it makes me sick.

I really like that aspect of living here. It takes alot of focuss off of ME. At least in my case. I get to think about others and what I can do for them. And here, where stuff is not as nice, the nice things I do are actualy apriciated. 

Usualy when I do think about myself, I am really content with what I have, but I also have a whole world of dreaming space open for me. If I had all the things that I wish I had there would be no dream space at all, and I would just be overwhelmed by all my junck. I'm already overwhelmed by my junck! I threw out like half of my room last time I cleaned up becuase I was so discusted by the reality of the horded crap in my closests and sutch.

But anyway... I like it here. I'm happy, I get to dream, I get the pleasure or thinking of things to do for people and of actualy doing them with success! This is the real world, my friends. America has plasticated itself and made itself too easy, too 'right at your fingertips,' too worldly based... I think where there is poverty and a bunch of issues and lack of easy nice things, you are MADE to see the things under the surfice. Of course you could go the more naturel rout and end up like some new-bees and just get really depressed, overwhelmed, angry and sad becuase of it all...  But, it's a choice. It is hard though, I'll give you that. Things can be tough here. It takes a while, then you see the light. (Or you don't and you just move back to America...)  

SO when I'm 15.... I think it will be hard living in your plasticated world again. I'm not used to it, and I can't say I really like it. I'm proud to be an American, and I am glad I am one (I am also very glad I have Dutch haritage. I don't quite know why.), but I like living where there are Britens and Kewees and Africans and Middle East people and all of that. I like living where you can't just go out and buy nice things. I like living where there are fuel shortages and pop shortages and sugar shorteges and power cuts and where the water goes out. I love it, and I am darn gonna miss it...

On one hand, though, I want to get out of here.  Maybe I don't know what I want. I'm so glad God has a plan for me. That takes alot of burden off my brain. Instead of trying to think through how it's going to work I can just say "What the heck, cross that bridge when God gives it to you! You're probably not even planning ahead for the right bridge. Just wait and see." 

God's the BOSS.

I guess I will just wait for HIS 15 year old bridge for me.  (I keep on wanting to say boat. maybe that works too...) I really don't want to make my own. I'll screw it up. PRAISE THE LORD FOR HIS BOATS AND BRIDGES! I've made a new saying. Catchy. I can jsut see Jim now. "No it's not Elizabeth. You're so weird."  hahaha. Oh Jim....

Thank you for reading about myself.
Stop by again any time.
Free smilyface t-shirts are  accespted any time of the year.

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