Saturday, June 23, 2012

My Walls

I cleaned my room today. No... Sadly I didn't move any major furniture. I did, however, put up some new things on my wall. Now my previous picture wall has some friends to look to across the room. I'm glad. To tell you the truth, I've seen that wall so many times that it has started to get old. I mean, I already had to stare at all of those pictures while I was drawing them.  ... Now I guess it is their turn to star at me, every day, from my wall. Creepy if you ask me. Who's to say they won't jump right off and join the others above my desk? Who knows... maybe they have some serious illness and will come strangle me!

Speaking of moving pictures, I was remembering the other day a time when I was at my friend Annalise's house. We were looking at her brother's and her school pictures on the wall in the hallway. I was convinced that her brother Fischer's eyes in the picture moved!  Sort of. I was also just trying to creep her out. She didn't buy it at first and gave an unconvincing and shaky "nooo it didn't..."  After a few back and forths of "uh huh!" "nuh uh," I wasn't even sure how much fiction was actually in my story to being with.  Whatever went down after that I can't remember, but I don't doubt that it involved my face becoming wide-eyed, a "Shhh!...", a creepy silence, Annalise looking confused, and then an attempt to be invisible to the picture by hugging the wall as we made a frantic exit back into her room.  All very over dramatized of course. That's the way we worked.

I was thinking about the whole ordeal and sort of chuckled at the fact that I actually believed it could be true. Here and now would have had some logical explanation, such as my eyes aren't so great anyway. They move back and forth sometimes without me meaning them to, so I just didn't see it right. I would also know that a picture is made of paper. It's dead tree cells. Flat. Behind glass, in a frame. It doesn't move! It's not alive.

 ... That was kind of a sad realization. 

As a kid we had so much subconsciously activated imagination. It opened up a lot of room for fears, but also for great, lovely things that undoubtedly differed from kid to kid.  Things in the world had their own mystery, evil and good. There was more to the world. My brain had thoughts and images that went so far beyond!  Now, there is mystery. There is evil. There is good. More evil, though, than good, and the evil now that replaced our fictitious, moving-eyed, Fischer pictures, is all just sick and shallow. It's earthly. Terrestrial. It has no depth. It's pathetic. The only mystery in it is why it is that way and why we fall into it.  I'm glad I realize all this and understand the world as I should at my age, but man, being a kid and knowing that there are all sorts of "grown up" things that you will "never" know, being immature and dramatic with everything, and believing all sorts of things even though you think you're a "big kid" for not believing in "kid" things like Santa... It has so many beautiful aspects that I never saw. We had so much faith.  I see now why Jesus said we should become like children in that way. 

I wonder if it was like that for anyone else. Totaly mixed with amkebeleive, I mean. I just assumed it would have been. I honestly feel like I lived in many different places when I was a kid, from a multi-colored floating city to pioneer prairies. I am very blessed to have been given this brain. Too bad non of you know what it's like. A million drawings and explanations could never make you understand the full capacity of what it's like to be me, and I'm sure it's the same regarding any of you. I like that about us.  It baffles me how intricately designed we are. Anyone want to second that?  I find it very amusing how people are made, the way they have feelings or the way they respond to things such as facial expressions, even colors. Even though my entire thought process is based on feelingsy things, though, I sometimes forget how those things work. For being, and I quote Will, "the feelings expert," I'm not very good when it comes to other people and their feelings. I pretty much just tense up and say every word with an awkward jolt when I talk to someone I don't know very well or whom I am uncomfortable around for one reason or another. Anyway... It makes me laugh. God made us and our world to be very interesting. So interesting in fact that as kids we can live in completely different universes.

It has been really great looking back on my pre-preteen years. Out of the three main time periods I can remember experiencing, (little kid, preteen, and teen) I think I like the earliest and latest best. Goodness, throw preteen out the window! Please.

Part of me can't believe I live in Africa, but more of me feels like this girl right here typing is someone who was born here and has lived here 14 years.  I won't deny that in a since I, as in me, the current one, was born here, but I, nevertheless, have LOVED this sweet opportunity to remember my days in America. Along with that, I have been thinking a lot about the fact that Fischer and Aunt Alison, his mom, are coming TOMORROW. I wonder what that will be like... I'm so different. It could be weird like it aways was, less wierd, or weirder! ... haha!... now I'm laughing...  I never really knew Fischer anyway. I'm not freaking out, but rather I am thoroughly enjoying myself.

I was cleaning my room bcuase they are coming, and I've writing this post becuase I was admiring my wall and the fact that I was a crazy kid. My walls may look like merely a showcase of my works to visitors, but to me, it's dweller and best friend, it is bits and pieces of my imagination, in a very diluted form of course, something to add color, something to remind me what I was like at a certain time in my life, a place to express my likes and interests to the ones that care - me and my wall. To me, as many things do, my wall has a personality and many other aspects that I know exist in a mysterious, unknown kind of way. It is not just concrete painted purple, enclosing a bed and a desk; It is mine because of the color, the pencil marks, the sharpie writings, the dents and the nails.   :)  ...  It understands me when you don't.

Maybe I still poses a bit of that subconsciously activated imagination.  ;) I hope so.

I truly am thrilled.

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