I cut my hair today. I was going for a scene look. (* surrounding pictures*) - A difficult look. A look for strait hair. I knew it wouldn't come out looking like the pictures I had, no matter how much I wished, but I knew it would look good in a different way. I sincerely hoped, that is.
I have always had kind of a bitterness towards people with this haircut, I think because of jealousy. For whatever reason, I feel they are better than me, and that I would never quite be worth as much as I would if I looked like them. Mercy, my friend here, told me out of random that I am much prettier than all the girls in the example pictures for my haircut. I was kind of taken aback. I don't know whether to believer her.
It was kind of a spur of the moment thing. Last week I spent an entire day on the internet trying to learn how to get the scene look. I was ready to cut my hair, but upon following discouragement, I gave up. Today I woke up and just decided to do it. I texted my friend Mercy, and she said she'd be happy to help. It was mostly Bethany, however who did it all. Janelle, Bethany, Mercy and I all worked on my hair for a god three hours this afternoon. It looked good straight, and I suppose it looked "scene" at that point too. I wet it, though, when I got home and let the curls take over. It then became something else entirely! It's cute. It's easy. It's light. But I don't know how I feel about it.
|my hair before (though I never wore it down.)|
I'm used to having a bun. My hair was always too long and too thick to do anything with, so i just threw it up all the time. At least then I could pretend like I looked like something or that I had the potential to look however I wanted. Now, with this haircut, I DO look like something It is it's own style. Kind of a 'vintage-lover,' 'I like to cook and do crafts' kind of style. Cute, but... is that me? It's hard to look it in the mirror after hearing my familiar voice and expecting the me I am used to.
I want a style that reflects me. why? I don't know. It sounds selfish and conceited in a way. It sounds almost insensitive that I care about such things when some people struggle to find a shirt to wear on their back that isn't torn. I don't know where the balance is. I should be thankful for the blessing and capability I have, though I can't dwell on it. But... How do I be selfless in it? How do I help others? Do I completely abandon myself? I feel, on one hand, that I should never wear makeup again, never fret about my hair, never try to develop a style for myself, never wear jewelry... I think that is extreme though.
It's my natural tendency to punish myself when I haven't done something quite right, or to deprive myself of something. Sometimes I feel like I am a parent figure to myself, as if I am two people. This never quite works out however, which leaves me beating myself up - starting the cycle again.
This is what I did look like.
This is what I want to look like. (This is close to how I view myself as a personality in my mind.)
. And this is what I do look like.
Don't know what to do.
I feel that this also raises the question(if you can follow this.): "Since I was obviously not made to be scene, (because I have curly hair), does it mean God doesn't want me to be what I want to be, or think of myself as looking like I think I do in my mind...?" Am I meant to be some other kind of person...? - all cute and vintage sewing stuff and cooking... Is it "not me" (the "me" God intended, amusing He intended something specific) to like hard core music, or emo, or scene, or dramatic makeup, or facial piercings or... or... who knows what else that I guess I "made" myself "be"?
I don't know who I am or who I should be.
I'm not sure I want to know.