I will begin by saying that I don't appreciate how the blog looks right now. egh! Among other things, it reminds me of a past self that I'd currently like to forget for a while.
In other news, I am up late, as I often am, unable to sleep and "unable" to write a school paper. Thought-requiring, school work has recently been the crumbling of me. I guess I'm afraid. I'm discouraged and "paralyzed" to start (- kind of the basis of life from my perspective right now, which is generally described in my last post). I have little pity for myself here, hence my sarcasm in the quotations. I should, they might say- "they," whoever they are -just perk up and be positive about life, suck it up and just do the school work and the hard things that need doing. "They" say these things, and, though I long to have my burdens validated and conquered, instead I simply say these things to myself as well, over and over again.
"Don't be stupid." "Suck it up." "Be positive = Be better"
Needless to say, it appears that this doesn't entirely help things, because I am still here on a Saturday night with unfinished home work, abandoned dreams and the weight of this holding me down enough to keep me from doing much more about it.
I read a book recently, though, which helped take my mind off of... everything, for a blissful brief while: Rumble Fish, by S. E. Hinton. It's 135 small pages make it an easy read, and more of a short story than a novel, but I loved it as I would any. The character development and ending, which both seemed to leave many stones unturned, left me with the mystery and sense of belonging I felt I needed this week. Books have often been excellent escapes to fantasy for me when I don't seem to belong anywhere in reality. Unfortunately it must be the right book at the right time- which is basically out of my control -so this happens, rarely, when it will, but is always welcomed. Also, though I love it when the right book does land in my lap on occasion, it's unfortunate that it is over as quickly as it has begun. In this case, I read the book and was finished within two days. These were days of relief from the vicious cycle I seem to face otherwise, though even the encouragement of a book didn't get my home work done any easier than usual.
And well, there you have it. I suggest to you reading as a pastime or even as an escape. However, no one can escape forever. Eventually walls, masks and escapes must come down and problems must be faced. I stand here now with my fantasies ripped from me, terrified, but okay. It was good to have a break, but real life has kind of returned. As I said, terrifying. I haven't exploded yet, though. I hold up, because I have hope somehow in Jesus Christ. The comfort of this is irreplaceable and i'm thankful for that.
Steadfast Love/Everlasting Hope