Thursday, August 6, 2015

Well argh, Let's talk

I always put a positive spin on life when I write on my blog, so maybe it's good for me to look at life from here. So lets look at life, shall we?

I don't really know what's wrong today. Just something(s)...
Am I sad? Scared? Mad? I'm not sure, but I think all of the above. All I can think to do at the moment is list pissible reasons for these emotions:
Major Depressive Disorder (obviously), Uncertainty about school, being bored, finding myself, people's opinions, the garage sale coming up, ...and yeah, school!

Firstly, yeah...
I'm just gonna be real straight here and say that if you don't already know, I have depression and have struggled with self harm and suicidal ideation for a long time. So a chemical imbalance in my brain as well as past experiences and whatnot is part of the reason I'm not always happy. Thankfully, though, this summer I've been super happy! Happier than I can remember being in a long time, and for the most part, cut free!!
It's been a great summer absant of much sadness, but as school approaches I start to notice my depression aproaching as well. This same thing happened last year: I had a blast all summer and once August/September rolled around I began to feel hopeless and depressed again. Part of it is stress and the fear of the unknown in a new school year but at a certain point part of it is seasonal as well. Which stinks. So I'm scared this will happen again. Last year October I ended up in the hospital for a suicide attempt... Let's make that not happen again. I'm gonna hopefully buy a light therapy lamp so I can get my "sunshine" in the winter. And of course I'll be doing coping skills and stuff. It might sound easy but it is hard work staying emotionally healthy! You can pray that I'll stick with it and keep fighting especially while I'm busy with school.

School is starting sooner than I'd like, but then again, I'm bored.  I'm still unsure what school I'll be attending. I was planning on going to Evangelical Christian Academy and doing an Area Vocational Cosmetology Program,vbut that wasn't going to work out, so I thought Rampart High School, which is a big public school, and I wasn't accepted there. Now we're looking at online schools that would allow me to do the three hour-a-day cosmetology program as well as take online classes. I'm not extreamely disaplined so we'll see how that goes if it works out.

If nothing works out, my plan is to get a job and a GED and then start cosmetology school as a college student next year. I'm kind of kidding... My parents aren't going for that idea. haha
Either way, I'm nervouse to step out of my christian bubble and do something new, especially while I'm afraid that I'll get dabilitatingly depressed again.
Anyway, as I grow up and enter the world, I search for myself in Christ. (Which reminds me, I want to read my Bible later.) I think part of finding oneself includes trying different things, so here I go, going crazy. I cut my hair into a bob today, and I'm wearing a fake lip peircing which my parents probably disaprove of. Those are tow examples of me trying to express myself but being ashamed of it.

This leads us to what people think. I wanted to cut my hair short but the men in my life (Jim, Will and Steve) wanted it longer than it already was. I know guys like long hair, but I wanted to honor my likes and interests and go for the short hair. I'm kind of insecure now though. And the (fake) lip peircing ... That's controvercial. But I like it... Except for the fact that everyone else doesnt. I think I'm really nice but I don't want people to take advantage of it so I try to look a little tough. Thatsl's partly why I like it.
And the final reason I'm not ok today is the garage sale. Yes. Why I thought this was a bright idea I'm not sure anymore because I dont know if it will go very well, but I'm excited despite my fear. I'm running it with my best friend as a fund raiser for concert tickets to a concert with our favirite band Twenty One Pilots in the next couple years.
And you know what? Now I feel better. I don't feel sad anymore. I just needed to get that oyt and talk about life with you. So thanks for talking, I apreciate it. 

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