yeah, so, I know I'm strange. I think that is something we all need to come to grips with. It really can't be ignored for long because it is a fact that sticks out like a sore thumb sometimes.
What prompted me to acknowledge my strangeness on this particular day is, of course, the fact that I have put myself out there so many times (AKA my blog right now). The reason I stick out like a sore thumb is because I put my thumb out. Selling stationary, singing in front of people, blogging for the whole world to read, youtubeing for the whole world to watch... It started early. I'm out there. and I feel that, unfortunately, what is out there, is me at my worst or at my weirdest or at my weakest. And therefore I am ashamed of the image I imagine I have made for myself.
Here is the thing, here is where this blog post started: I thought about my blog today and cringed. My most recent posts (not at all recent) scare me away from blogging. I was in a weird stage when I wrote them and it's kind of embarissing even though I dont remember what they say. Why did I stop blogging? It's not that my life got less interesting... It got really interesting... but very dark and disturbed. I didn't know how to write about it and not ruin every nice thought you have ever thought about me. It was a rough time. I felt so deffensive, always trying to justify myself for being in an odd stage or in a weird faze and hard place. I felt like I wasn't who I should be. And perhaps I wasn't.
I'm feeling more like myself nowadays, finally though. years later, ready to blog again.
I'm just flattered that you read my blog. I mean, who reads blogs anymore? Who rights blogs? I don't know, but I like it. It's just that you've always scared me, too. I want to be heard so I love that you listen, but I want a good reputation, too, so I was always afraid to be vulnerable with you. I WAS vulnerable, a lot. Thats kind of me. But I felt like I had to prove myself somehow. justify whatever I was being vulnerable about.
This long period of time has been without writing. Me: Not blogging because I'm weird. Not blogging because I wasn't having any positive thoughts. Not blogging because I wasn't stable or in a place to be at all helpful. I just want to sort of apologize for that. For becoming that. I'm not convinced its all my fault, but I'm sorry it had to happen. Then, the other thing I am apologizing for is for not wanting to blog or write. I don't feel that way as much anymore. But I wanted to acknowledge all of this and take responsibility and ownership. God made me special. I'm me and the only one of me that there is, so I'm unique. A lot of the weird quirks I have kind of stem from some part of the way I am. And you know what, Thats ok. You do you. (But of course, with God as king. You following your heart is not always so good, but you get the picture: You do you, within reason.)
Im thankful to accept who I am and who I have been and bring it before God. I no longer have to be ashamed, for I am a new creation, that is not me anymore, God is renewing me and sanctifying me to Himself. I want to take this moment to be proud of the way God made me. And, part of how He made me is that I want to share my thoughts and I want to be vulnerable. I know the internet is not always a great idea for pouring your heart onto, but I want to start writing again. if nothing else, I would brush up on my writing skills. I should tell you about my current school situation. Lets do a life update next.
But as for right now, I thank God for me. For Him. For our relationship and all the abundance of purpose I have therefore.
Thank you for coming back to read and listen to my thoughts. Thank you for caring about me.